I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
