He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
