I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
sarcasm needs its own font
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Randomize
