You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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