what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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