Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
