he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
