so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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