Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
