God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We are all done wearing pants today
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
