Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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