ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
