Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
