I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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