sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
