Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
