this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
