Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
