I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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