How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wish you could order shots online.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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