I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
