i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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