i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
