Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
