Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
