So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
