pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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