I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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