"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
