I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
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