i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
