Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
