get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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