i think i have two assholes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
