So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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