The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
