It's like God shit irony all over that family
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
