My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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