matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
