sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize