Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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