I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
