hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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