Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
