When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
