I accidentally had phone sex last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
