I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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