Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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