I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
