respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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