I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
