I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
