I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
