broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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