Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
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