I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You need a sexual gate keeper
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
