Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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