I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
