Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He kissed a someone with a penis
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We're too hungover to prance.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
